Life in Ink and Footsteps

I wish I knew. Maybe it’s my low self-esteem, the constant emotional rollercoaster, or some shit from my childhood. I wish I was overreacting like I usually do, but nope, not this time. So what was going on? I was head over heels for that young Arabic man, Sir MagicalCarpet S. I repeatedly described him as generous, smart, handsome, good-smelling, funny, and gosh, such a good person—the old me’s words. This is interesting since all I remember is him constantly standing me up, being late, unresponsive, and full of excuses. Sneaking away with me so that nobody could see us. Funny how I thought he was being romantic. Important to say, that since the time we started seeing each other, I was highly stressed and on a constant rollercoaster. But I guess that also belongs to the age, not being mature enough to see the toxicity, and only concentrating on the positive out of the fear of being alone.

The worst and best in a way is, that this specific moment I don’t even remember. And I mean at all. I had to double-check this entry and even do some Googling, and still, zero recollection. He rented us a hotel room for one weekend night after I repeatedly nagged him about the discomfort of all the stolen kisses and touches in his car in empty parking lots. And I swear to Goddess, I forgot we spent the night there. Even after reading about it, not a single spark of memory returned. True, according to the diary, there seems to be awfully little to remember. He was late, again, and left me waiting for almost three hours before he came to pick me up. Everything was rushed, and I was annoyed. But! It was all saved because he was so nice to me. Yes, you hear correctly. We also had “fun,” although the sex was not good. But! He was nice and cute. Yes, again. And that’s it. That is the whole entry. The naïve little Airhead is back. I just want to reach through the pages—like Harry in Chamber of Secrets—and shake myself awake, unlike Harry, who was invisible to the memories of the diary. I have to admit that it is strange—something that should feel significant was completely lost to me. Was I lying to myself about the positive feeling? Was I actually ashamed of what I was doing? Did I know he doesn’t care about me, that I am just a side piece for when he has nothing better to do? Or is it truly just a simple explanation, that not everything sticks in our memory? Who knows now, but it is intriguing for me to ponder this.

Want more of this toxic mess? Exactly a week after our little sexcapade, we were supposed to meet in the afternoon/early evening, grab some food or drink, and just be together. I spent the day with the girls, patiently waiting for his text message. Midday, nothing. 3 pm, nothing. 5 pm, nothing. At this point, I was angry and confused, so I agreed to join the girls for dinner. And voila, at 7 pm, the message finally arrived: “When are we meeting?”—like he was the one being stood up, again. So I blew up; I was mean and rude to him—according to the diary, not that I believe it. Why? Because I met up with him the next day. He apologized and was so sweet to me, we got Chipotle, and it was all nice. This is how most of the entries go. For weeks upon weeks, I was perfectly okay being treated like this for the few moments he deemed me worthy of his time. Jeez, I wish I had taken the hint earlier. Unfortunately, we are nowhere near the end, altough there is going to be a hella awakening call soon.

But thankfully, life wasn’t just about chasing after toxic relationships. While I was dealing with the highs and lows of Sir MagicalCarpet, I found solace in my friendships. Sunshine C. and I officially welcomed the Nordic beauty S. into our midst, and we were pretty much inseparable. Mornings in the gym—Planet Fitness—then a smoothie or a lunch. Early afternoons with the small kids in parks, and some weeknights, coffees at Starbucks to wind down after a long day. And weekends? Weekends were reserved for road trips around Long Island and evenings in pubs or clubs. And so we stumbled upon our favorite spot of all time: Montauk Lighthouse.

Here is the thing. I love lighthouses. I am planning on getting one tattooed, although nothing has caught my eye yet. Anyway, I don’t know who came up with the idea to drive all the way to Montauk, but I remember being hesitant to do so. I was the designated driver of the group since I had my own car that I was allowed to use during weekends for my personal needs, and I was—still am, although don’t say it in front of the girls—the best driver. My stepdad was a truck driver and taught me well. But still, driving 3 hours in a borrowed car to the easternmost point of Long Island and then 3 hours back in one day? Damn, I wasn’t all that comfortable with that. I had had my driving license for only 3 and a half years. But I did it. And it was awesome. The whole of Montauk county is so beautiful, full of nature and expensive houses—saw the famous Hamptons. Cute stores, marinas, and boats everywhere. We sang and laughed, stopped at gas stations for coffee and cigarettes—yes, some of us were smokers; don’t look at me, I didn’t touch a cigarette till a few years later—ate BBQ ribs and had pee breaks. It was a little American road trip, and it was epic. And then we reached our destination. And we all fell in love. We walked along the shore, watched the ocean, and thought about our homes on the other side of this mass of water. We also reanacted the little mermaid moment, sitting on her stone – almost broke some bones. This was only our first time there, but it wasn’t nearly the last. Sometimes we went there all together, watching the sunrise and having a picnic, smoking and sharing stories about boys and life. Sometimes I went there alone when reality turned out to be too much to handle and I needed to turn my brain off. When I was sad and lonely. Or confused about the mess I was making with my never-ending stream of dates. Either way, it became a haven for us all.

I promise myself here and now, that I will visit this ordinary and yet special place again.

Today song, because I am feeling dramatic is:

Rihanna – Unfaithful